Do you sing and play much a young man asked the pretty girl who was carelessly thrumming the keys of the piano.
Only to kill time. she replied.
You';ve got a fine weapon, I must admit. ventured the young man.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
A fine weapon to kill time
when i was a freshman in our university,one day,our new teacher want us to say sth about yourself then ,a student standed up, and said i come from shandong ,and i want to learn more when im in university,and hope good ,good study ,day ,day up.then our teacher said it is chinese english, good,good study ,day day up is wrong sentence,then our teacher said there are so many people even said i will give you color see see,how funny it is!!
All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later
Mary was so disgusted at her husband';s cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
';I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.';
';Don';t worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.'; He said with a smile.
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';I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.';
';Don';t worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.'; He said with a smile.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Are you using you mower this afternoon?
Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?
Mr.Smith: Yes.
Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won';t be needing it?
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Mr.Smith: Yes.
Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won';t be needing it?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
my husband
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.
';Why are you so nervous'; I asked him.
';The numbers are the date of our anniversary.'; my usband confessed.
';Why are you so nervous'; I asked him.
';The numbers are the date of our anniversary.'; my usband confessed.
Who was fighting
Mother Freddie, why is your face so red
Freddie I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother That';s a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting
Freddie Me and Jackie Smith.
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Freddie I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother That';s a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting
Freddie Me and Jackie Smith.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
I don';t want Him to know I';m here
A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. ';I';d rather not,';, the clergyman said, '; I don';t want Him to know I';m here.';
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. ';I';d rather not,';, the clergyman said, '; I don';t want Him to know I';m here.';
Travel Expenses
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank';s underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000
The business man replied Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks
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The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank';s underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000
The business man replied Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Get the kid
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,';Get the kid.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
taxi
As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that ';Time is money';?" "Well,it';s a very common saying.Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered . "Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter. "Oh.yes.You';ve got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver. More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Mr Smith
Mr Smith had three brothers and two sisters. When his mother’s birthday was coming, they all wanted to seng her presents. Mr Smith thought the presents of his brothers’ and sisters’ were not good enough. He decided to buy a better one. He heard about an interesting bird. The bird could speak twelve languages and sing twentr famous song. The price was as high as $5,000, but he bought the bird ang had it send to his mother.The day after his mother’s birthday,he telephoned his mother.“How do you like the bird?”he asked.“Wonderful!”his mother answed with a smile. “It’s very delicious.”
buy some pears
One day a little girl came into a shop. She had five dollars ang wanted to buy some pears. She said to the shopkeeper, “Please give me pears for five dollars.”When the shopkeeper gave her the pears,the girl counted them. Then she said, “Last week my mother bought pears here for five dollars, and she got more than I got for the same money. Why did you give me so few?”“Don’t ask questions,my girl.I have no time for questions.”“Excuse me,sir,”said the little girl, “but…”“That’s all right, my girl,”said the shopkeeper. “Don’t you understand? You get fewer pears, and you will carry less fruit.”“All right,”said the girl and she put four dollars on the counter. She was going to leave the shop when she heard the words, “Come back. You must give me five dollars.”“That’s all right!”said the girl, “Don’t you understand?You get fewer dollars,and you will count less money.”
Bruce
Bruce usually goes to school early in the morning, and comes back home late in the afternoon. One day, Bruce has something importang to do and he wants to go home earlier than usual, but his teacher asks him to finish his homework before going home. “That’ll be late for me,” Bruce thinks, “Imust do something about it now…”After some time, Bruce sees his teacher taking a nap in his chair. He goes over to him quickly and carefully colours the teacher’s glasses black with a writing brush.. Then he goes back to his seat quickly and says, “Mr King, it’s dark now and it’s time to go home.”Mr King operns his eyes and says, “Oh,yes,it’s so dark, You can go home now.”At this, Bruce smiles happily and runs out of the classroom as quickly as he can.
Shakespearian Prose
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom';s hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man."
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn';t go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother';s hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn';t go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother';s hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
Boudreaux Wants Work
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job.
The boss thought to himself - I';m not hiring that lazy portagee, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn';t be able to answer the questions and he';d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat';s easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree ';n tree ';n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it';s - dirty tree ';n dirtytree ';n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he';s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux';s attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree", so now ya got dirty tree an'; a turd, dirty tree an'; a turd, and dirty tree an ';a turd, which makes 100.
When do I start my job?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The boss thought to himself - I';m not hiring that lazy portagee, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn';t be able to answer the questions and he';d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat';s easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree ';n tree ';n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it';s - dirty tree ';n dirtytree ';n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he';s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux';s attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree", so now ya got dirty tree an'; a turd, dirty tree an'; a turd, and dirty tree an ';a turd, which makes 100.
When do I start my job?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The Rescue
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.
"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety.
Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"
"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety.
Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"
A panda
A panda walked into a restauraunt, ordered a sandwich and ate it. Then he pulled out a snipper,shot the waiter dead and started to leave. The manageer stopped him and said:"You didn';t pay for the food yet and you just killed my waiter!" The Panda answered:"I';m a panda, look it up!" The manager opened a dictionary and found the definition:
Panda, an Ancient anmimal of black and white color,EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.
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Panda, an Ancient anmimal of black and white color,EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Indian Toilet Paper
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn';t have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it';s rough and it';s tough and it don';t take no crap off an Indian."
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"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn';t have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it';s rough and it';s tough and it don';t take no crap off an Indian."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
European Union Decision on Official Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty';s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Mr Hunt
Mr Hunt had a bookshop near a hospital. But he never went to see a doctor shen he was ill. He usually just took some medicine.One day, when Mr Hunt carried a box of books inhis hands,the box fell down and hurt one of his teet.
"Go to see a docot,"said Mrs Hunt.
"No,"hesaid."I';ll wait until a doctor comes here next time. Then I';ll ask him about my foot.This way Ill pay nothing to him."A few days later, a doctor came into the shop and bought some books.
When Mr Hunt got the books ready, he asked the doctor about his foot.The doctor answered him at once.
"Here are your books,sir,"said Mr Hunt."You must pay two pounds for them."
"I';ll pay nothing for them."
"Oh,what?"
"I told you about your foot.I want two pounds for that.Bye."
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"Go to see a docot,"said Mrs Hunt.
"No,"hesaid."I';ll wait until a doctor comes here next time. Then I';ll ask him about my foot.This way Ill pay nothing to him."A few days later, a doctor came into the shop and bought some books.
When Mr Hunt got the books ready, he asked the doctor about his foot.The doctor answered him at once.
"Here are your books,sir,"said Mr Hunt."You must pay two pounds for them."
"I';ll pay nothing for them."
"Oh,what?"
"I told you about your foot.I want two pounds for that.Bye."
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Sunday, July 25, 2010
Ducks in Heaven-funny jokes
Three friends die in a car crash and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them that they can stay in heaven as long as they don't step on a duck. If they do, says St. Peter, then the duck will quack loudly and will make a lot of noise. So the men agree, thinking, How hard could it be to avoid a duck? As soon as St. Peter lets them in, they see ducks everywhere. The first man, Jim, immediately steps on a duck. The duck makes a lot of noise, and as punishment, God comes and chains him to an annoying idiot who never stops talking. The second guy, Steve, steps on a duck a little bit later, and his punishment are being chained to an ugly old woman. The third guy, Bob, is very careful and manages not step on a duck. Finally God comes up to him and chains a beautiful woman to him. Wow, says Bob, what did I do to deserve this? Says God, You didn't do anything, and she stepped on a duck.
That wife of mine is a liar -funny jokes
That wife of mine is a liar, said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. How do you know? the friend asked. She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley. So? the friend replied. So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Bargain-funny jokes
Always on the lookout for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree T-Bone* $4.25. I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the * was with meat, $14.95
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Bad Party-funny jokes
After the annual office christmas party blowout, john woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. after a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. louise, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. was it as bad as i think? even worse, she assured him in her most scornful one. you made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face. he's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him! you did. all over his suit, louise informed him. and he fired you. well, f*** him, said john. i did. you're back at work on monday.
Saving Money-funny jokes
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife What's up with all the notes?, to his wife which replies, Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Too Much Coffee-funny jokes
You know you've had too much coffee when... You can type sixty words a minute with your feet Instant coffee takes too long You chew on other people's fingernails You answer the door, before people knock You sleep with your eyes open You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there You help your dog chase its tail You lick your coffeepot clean You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee You're so wired you pick up FM radio You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Halloween Costume-funny jokes
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear. The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party. By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. In one neat pile is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife, What the hell are these for? The wife yells back, You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudge sickle.
False Teeth-funny jokes
In a hurry to get a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrived and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth. He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him. The man said, No problem, reached into his pocket and pulled out a of false teeth. Try these, he said. Too loose, the speaker said. The man pulled out another pair. Too tight, the speaker told him. I have one more pair. The speaker tried them and they fitted perfectly. With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. When the dinner was over, he went to thank the man who'd helped him. Where's your office? he inquired. I'm looking for a good dentist. The man replied: I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
First Time -funny jokes
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tell you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
The golden toilet-funny jokes
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one, said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!'' So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, 憫this is a big house,, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he approached the back door, he was surprised to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use his or her bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party. A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the doorbell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me mama, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?! ...HERS THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''
Technical Support-funny jokes
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? The man below says: Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. You must work in Technical Support, says the balloonist. I do, replies the man. How did you know? Well says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless. The man below says: You must be in management. I am, replies the balloonist, but how did you know? Well, says the man, you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Unemployed Biologist-funy jokes
An unemployed biologist was starving and could not find a job. After weeks of searching, he finally gets an interview at a local zoo. The zookeeper tells him that the only job available is to dress up in a gorilla's suit and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. On his first day on the job, the poor biologist puts on the outfit and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. After a while, he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion rushes toward him, roaring and snarling. The poor biologist is terrified and starts screaming, Help, Help....someone help me!!!! The lion races over to him, knocks him to the ground, and quietly whispers Hey it's me Sam, from your mammal class, shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Road Trip-funny jokes
One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. The first guy rolls down the window and says, How can I help you? I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat? With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, What can I do for you? I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink? Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have? Driver's license and registration, please.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Ride em Cowboy! -funny jokes
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. What's going on? Ed asked one of the crowd. We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine, he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can. I can do that! Ed said confidently. No you can't, said Ted. I sure as hell can! said Ed. You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster, said Ted. Watch this, said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? Ted asked. Remember three months ago, Ed said... When my wife had whooping cough...?
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Isakoff and Ice Cream-funny jokes
What do Isakoff and Ice Cream have in common? Both get scooped regularly
Church Bell Blues-funny jokes
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers. Oh, yeah? her grandson replied, so why is their dad carrying that rifle?
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Stopover-funny jokes
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," the cheery salesperson replied. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake -- $99," she said. "But there is a stopover." "Where?" "In Denver," she said.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Thirteen!-funny jokes
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Very stupid robbers-funny jokes
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
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The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Father and son-funny jokes
Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Friday, July 23, 2010
MARRIAGE-funny jokes
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change! And she does.
SUCCESS-funny jokes
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
BATHROOMS-funny jokes
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
EATING OUT-funny jokes
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
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When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
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FUTURE-funny jokes
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
One Side of the Case-funny jokes
A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.
"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.
"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.
"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."
"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.
"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.
"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."
Treat-funny jokes
As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.
One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.
Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. What did you treat him? asked one of the men.
An ice-cream cone. Why?
Because, answered the officer, that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.
Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. What did you treat him? asked one of the men.
An ice-cream cone. Why?
Because, answered the officer, that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Whose Son Is the Greatest-funny jokes
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. My son is a monsignor, said the first proud woman. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor.'
The second mother went on, My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency.'
My son is a cardinal. continued the next one. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence.'
The fourth mother thought for a moment. My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, she said, When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God.'
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The second mother went on, My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency.'
My son is a cardinal. continued the next one. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence.'
The fourth mother thought for a moment. My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, she said, When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God.'
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A Nail Or A Fly?-funny jokes
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor.
When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength.
On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength.
On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
Contented Married Life-funny jokes
A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life, "My wife makes all the small decisions," he explained, "and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."”
"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"
"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."
His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"
"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"
"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."
His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"
"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The New Teacher-funny jokes
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
whats puberty-funny jokes
One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, Mommy, what's puberty? My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it.
A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. Puberty means, announced Peggy, the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children.
What do you think of that? my wife asked.
I'm not sure, Peggy relied. I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear..
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A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. Puberty means, announced Peggy, the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children.
What do you think of that? my wife asked.
I'm not sure, Peggy relied. I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear..
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Friend for Dinner-funny jokes
Honey, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.
What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!
I know all that.
Then why did you invite a friend for supper?
Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.
What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!
I know all that.
Then why did you invite a friend for supper?
Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Religious Tits-funny jokes
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy´s, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. ´I´d like to buy a bra for my wife´
´What type of bra?´ asked the clerk.
´Type?´ inquires the man ´There is more than one type?´
´Look Around,´ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
´Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,´ replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied ´The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?´
Still confused the man asked ´What is the difference between them?´
The lady responded ´It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
´What type of bra?´ asked the clerk.
´Type?´ inquires the man ´There is more than one type?´
´Look Around,´ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
´Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,´ replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied ´The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?´
Still confused the man asked ´What is the difference between them?´
The lady responded ´It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Cheating Wife-funny jokes
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don´t want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can´t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn´t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn´t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don´t want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can´t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn´t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn´t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Coincidence-funny jokes
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I´m celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I´m also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I´m pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I´m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they´re finally fertile." "That´s great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
In A Lift -funny jokes
An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: ´Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.´
Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says
snootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.´ A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: ´broccoli, 25p a pound.
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Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says
snootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.´ A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: ´broccoli, 25p a pound.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Cut-Backs -funny jokes
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they´d have to drastically alter their life-style.
"If you´ll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
"If you´ll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Different Father-funny jokes
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Married For The Money-funny jokes
David´s grandmother left him ten million dollars, and the next week jency agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, David noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men´s names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
´Jency,´ he said, ´the only reason you married me was because my grandmother left me ten million dollars when he died´
´Don´t be ridiculous,´ she replied, ´I donםt care where your money came from!´
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
After three months of married life, David noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men´s names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
´Jency,´ he said, ´the only reason you married me was because my grandmother left me ten million dollars when he died´
´Don´t be ridiculous,´ she replied, ´I donםt care where your money came from!´
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
60 Minutes Present-funny jokes
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don´t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I´m stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don´t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She´ll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to to his friend´s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I´ll be back in an hour!!"
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don´t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She´ll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to to his friend´s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I´ll be back in an hour!!"
Good News-funny jokes
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
Says He: "I´m sorry honey but I´m up to my neck in work today"
Says She: "But I´ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I´ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
Says He: "I´m sorry honey but I´m up to my neck in work today"
Says She: "But I´ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I´ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
Keeping Pure-funny jokes
This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I´m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don´t mind too much," she said. "But, it makes my husband pretty upset."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I´m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don´t mind too much," she said. "But, it makes my husband pretty upset."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Japanese Banking Disasters-funny jokes
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Affair With The Dentist-funny jokes
Jency fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, "Jency, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband´s bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he´s dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we´ve been meeting here for six months now and he doesn´t suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you´re down to one tooth!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
But one day he said sadly, "Jency, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband´s bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he´s dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we´ve been meeting here for six months now and he doesn´t suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you´re down to one tooth!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Brown Balls-funny jokes
The father of 17 kids goes to the doc´s with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop ´em and let´s have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you´ve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you´ve got. They´re truly remarkable!".
The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"
"Oh that´s easy," said the Doc, "Here´s some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."
"No," said the patient, "You can´t. Now, is that all Doc?"
"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I´ve ever seen!"
The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.
"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven´t even got time to wipe my arse!"
"Ah" he said, "And that´s another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."
The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"
"Oh that´s easy," said the Doc, "Here´s some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."
"No," said the patient, "You can´t. Now, is that all Doc?"
"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I´ve ever seen!"
The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.
"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven´t even got time to wipe my arse!"
"Ah" he said, "And that´s another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."
Brown Balls-funny jokes
The father of 17 kids goes to the doc´s with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop ´em and let´s have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you´ve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you´ve got. They´re truly remarkable!".
The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"
"Oh that´s easy," said the Doc, "Here´s some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."
"No," said the patient, "You can´t. Now, is that all Doc?"
"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I´ve ever seen!"
The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.
"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven´t even got time to wipe my arse!"
"Ah" he said, "And that´s another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."
The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"
"Oh that´s easy," said the Doc, "Here´s some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."
"No," said the patient, "You can´t. Now, is that all Doc?"
"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I´ve ever seen!"
The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.
"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven´t even got time to wipe my arse!"
"Ah" he said, "And that´s another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."
Shocked Old Lady-funny jokes
Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He´s completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven´t seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it´s too much for her — she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn´t have a stroke — she was sitting too far away and couldn´t reach. More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
What Do I Look Like? -funny jokes
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won´t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it´s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he´s walking through the door. "Honey, there´s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn´t leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren´t any more leaks, and the car´s running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he´d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won´t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it´s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he´s walking through the door. "Honey, there´s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn´t leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren´t any more leaks, and the car´s running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he´d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Men Super Store-funny jokes
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn´t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that´s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what´s further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what´s further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn´t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that´s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what´s further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what´s further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Working Together-funny jokes
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you´re out at first, you don´t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you´re out at first, you don´t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Get Me The Manager-funny jokes
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?"
she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I´´m just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.
"I´´m afraid I can´´t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he´´s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
"Are you the owner?"
she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I´´m just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.
"I´´m afraid I can´´t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he´´s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Climate of New Zealand-funny jokes
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
Teacher: Wrong.
Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
Teacher: Wrong.
Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Ways to Report Death-funny jokes
Two brothers, Herbert and James, lived with their mother and a cat named Edgar. James was particularly attached to the cat, and when he had to leave town for several days, he left Herbert meticulous instructions about the pet' s care. At the end of this first day away. James telephoned his brother. "How is Edgar?"
"Edgar is dead." Herbert answered. There was a pause. Then James said, "Herbert, you're insensitive , you know how close I was to Edgar, you should have broken the news to me slowly. When I asked about Edgar tonight, you should have said, 'Edgar's on the roof , but I have called the fire department to get him down.' And tomorrow when I called, you could have said the firemen were having trouble getting Edgar down, but you were hopeful they would succeed. Then when I called the third time, you could have told me that the fire-men have done their best, but unfortunately Edgar had fallen off the roof and was at the veterinarian's. Then when I called the last time, you could have said that although everything possible had been done for Edgar, he had died. That's the way a sensitive man would have told me about Edgar. And, oh, before I forget," James added, "how is mother?"
"Oh," Herbert said, pausing for a moment, "She' s on the roof."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"Edgar is dead." Herbert answered. There was a pause. Then James said, "Herbert, you're insensitive , you know how close I was to Edgar, you should have broken the news to me slowly. When I asked about Edgar tonight, you should have said, 'Edgar's on the roof , but I have called the fire department to get him down.' And tomorrow when I called, you could have said the firemen were having trouble getting Edgar down, but you were hopeful they would succeed. Then when I called the third time, you could have told me that the fire-men have done their best, but unfortunately Edgar had fallen off the roof and was at the veterinarian's. Then when I called the last time, you could have said that although everything possible had been done for Edgar, he had died. That's the way a sensitive man would have told me about Edgar. And, oh, before I forget," James added, "how is mother?"
"Oh," Herbert said, pausing for a moment, "She' s on the roof."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The Name of a Poet-funny jokes
Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today．
It works like this, she said. Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poetRobert Burns, for instance. She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns. Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman, a bobby in flames. See? Bobby Burns!
I see what you mean, said the class know it all. But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
It works like this, she said. Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poetRobert Burns, for instance. She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns. Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman, a bobby in flames. See? Bobby Burns!
I see what you mean, said the class know it all. But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A Blind Beggar-funny jokes
A Blind Beggar
There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money.
A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.
After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine.
The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”
The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry,
I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”
“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.
There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money.
A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.
After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine.
The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”
The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry,
I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”
“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.
What a big deal-funny jokes
A young businessman had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
How do I get the gum out -funny jokes
Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The Same Duties-funny jokes
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
feeding him nickels-funny jokes
A father saw his two years old daughter put nickel in her mouth and swallowed it. He immediately picked her up, turned she upside down and hit her back, whereupon she coughed up two dimes. Frantically, he called to the mother outside.
"Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "
Yelled back the mother ,"Keep feeding him nickels!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "
Yelled back the mother ,"Keep feeding him nickels!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Class, Lass and Ass-funny jokes
Professor David was going to meet his students on the next day,so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: Professor David will meet the class tomorrow.
A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the c in the word class. The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the c erased--calmly walked up and erased the l in lass, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the c in the word class. The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the c erased--calmly walked up and erased the l in lass, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A Smart Housewife-funny jokes
A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A dollar per point-funny jokes
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Fairy tales-funny jokes
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!...
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!...
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Its the way you talk-funny jokes
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question, "Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and yelled, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question, "Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and yelled, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
Give Budda a chance-funny jokes
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."
Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance.
Bubba is told that he will be given a "one question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.
The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"
There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one
Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance.
Bubba is told that he will be given a "one question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.
The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"
There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Asking for a Raise-funny jokes
At the radio station where I worked, the manager called me into his office to preview a new sound-effects package we were considering purchasing. He closed the door so we wouldn't bother people in the outer office.
After listening to a few routine sound effects, we started playing around with low moans, maniacal screams, hysterical laughter, pleading and gunshots. When I finally opened the door and passed the manager's secretary, she looked up and inquired, Asking for a raise again?
Reserved by discount golf clubs
After listening to a few routine sound effects, we started playing around with low moans, maniacal screams, hysterical laughter, pleading and gunshots. When I finally opened the door and passed the manager's secretary, she looked up and inquired, Asking for a raise again?
Reserved by discount golf clubs
frog-discount golf clubs
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, Now I'll show you
this frog in my pocket. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a
chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,
That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.
this frog in my pocket. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a
chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,
That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.
I Can Go Home Now-funny jokes
One day after school the teacher said to his students, Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home
earlier. The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, Who did it? Please stand up! It's me, said Bob, Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
earlier. The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, Who did it? Please stand up! It's me, said Bob, Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Persistance-funny jokes
Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?
Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged. We just play to have fun.
Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?
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Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged. We just play to have fun.
Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A Problem in Arithmetic-funny jokes
Jack is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.
One day on his way to school Jack passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, Apple-Six for five cents. An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.
How much are the apples? he asked the store.
Six for five cents.
But I don't want six apples.
How many apples do you want?
It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic.
What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic? asked the man.
Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you.
Jack picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word. More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
One day on his way to school Jack passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, Apple-Six for five cents. An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.
How much are the apples? he asked the store.
Six for five cents.
But I don't want six apples.
How many apples do you want?
It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic.
What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic? asked the man.
Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you.
Jack picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word. More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
New Baby-funny jokes
Mr. and Mrs. David had a seven-year-old boy named Pat. Now Mrs. David was expecting another child.
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.
One evening Mr. and Mrs. David were making plans for the baby's arrival. This house won't be big enough for use all when the baby comes, said Mr. David.
Pat came into the room just then and said, What are you talking about?We were saying that we'll have to move to another house now, because the new baby's coming, his mother answered.
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.
One evening Mr. and Mrs. David were making plans for the baby's arrival. This house won't be big enough for use all when the baby comes, said Mr. David.
Pat came into the room just then and said, What are you talking about?We were saying that we'll have to move to another house now, because the new baby's coming, his mother answered.
Violin Lessons-funny jokes
Daddy, can I learn to play the violin? young Sarah asked her father. She was always asking for things and her father was not very pleased.
You cost me a lot of money, Sarah, he said. First you wanted to learn horse riding, then dancing, then swimming. Now it's the violin.
I'll play every day ,Daddy. Sarah said. I'll try very hard
All right, her father said. This is what I'll do. I'll pay for you to have lessons for six weeks. At the end of six weeks you must play something for me. If you play well, you can have more lessons. If you play badly, I will stop the lessons.
0. K. Daddy, Sarah said. That is fair.
He soon found a good violin teacher and Sarah began her lessons. The teacher was very expensive, but her father kept his promise.
The six weeks passed quickly. The time came for Sarah to play for her father.
She went to the living room and said, I'm ready to play for you, Daddy.
Fine, Sarah, her father said. Begin.
She began to play. She played very badly. She made a terrible noise.
Her father had one of his friends with him, and the friend put his hands over his ears.
When Sarah finished, her father said, Well done, Sarah. You can have more lessons.
Sarah ran happily out of the room. Her father's friend turned to him. You've spent a lot of money, but she still plays very badly. he said
Well, that's true, her father said. But since she started learning the violin I've been able to buy five apartments in this build very cheaply. In another six weeks I'll own the whole building!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
You cost me a lot of money, Sarah, he said. First you wanted to learn horse riding, then dancing, then swimming. Now it's the violin.
I'll play every day ,Daddy. Sarah said. I'll try very hard
All right, her father said. This is what I'll do. I'll pay for you to have lessons for six weeks. At the end of six weeks you must play something for me. If you play well, you can have more lessons. If you play badly, I will stop the lessons.
0. K. Daddy, Sarah said. That is fair.
He soon found a good violin teacher and Sarah began her lessons. The teacher was very expensive, but her father kept his promise.
The six weeks passed quickly. The time came for Sarah to play for her father.
She went to the living room and said, I'm ready to play for you, Daddy.
Fine, Sarah, her father said. Begin.
She began to play. She played very badly. She made a terrible noise.
Her father had one of his friends with him, and the friend put his hands over his ears.
When Sarah finished, her father said, Well done, Sarah. You can have more lessons.
Sarah ran happily out of the room. Her father's friend turned to him. You've spent a lot of money, but she still plays very badly. he said
Well, that's true, her father said. But since she started learning the violin I've been able to buy five apartments in this build very cheaply. In another six weeks I'll own the whole building!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
One Eye to Settle On-discount golf clubs
The girl found the go-between and said, You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?
I have told you. said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.
I have told you. said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.
Camp-discount golf clubs
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Playing house-funny jokes
Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house.
The little girl stood on her tiptoes and just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted them at the front door.
"Good morning, children," she said. "What can I do for you?"
"We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my husband"... "and I'm his wife. Can we come in?"
Thoroughly enchanted by the scene, the elderly lady replied, "By all means, do come in."
Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, which they graciously accepted. When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl politely declined.
"No thank you," she said. "We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants."
The little girl stood on her tiptoes and just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted them at the front door.
"Good morning, children," she said. "What can I do for you?"
"We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my husband"... "and I'm his wife. Can we come in?"
Thoroughly enchanted by the scene, the elderly lady replied, "By all means, do come in."
Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, which they graciously accepted. When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl politely declined.
"No thank you," she said. "We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants."
want to be possible-funny jokes
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.
"A doctor ," said Tom.
"A Moive star," said Thomas.
"An astronaut," said Suzy.
"The president," said little Al. (Everyone laughed).
"A fireman," said David.
"A teacher," said Lisa.
"A race car driver." said Mario.
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible." Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"A doctor ," said Tom.
"A Moive star," said Thomas.
"An astronaut," said Suzy.
"The president," said little Al. (Everyone laughed).
"A fireman," said David.
"A teacher," said Lisa.
"A race car driver." said Mario.
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible." Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Strange ambition-funny jokes
Jency is asked by her friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's mother.
Her friend thought for a while and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's mother, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's mother.
Her friend thought for a while and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's mother, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
child wisdom -funny jokes
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.- Alan, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynnette, age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.- Pam, age 7
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?- Kevin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.- Alan, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynnette, age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.- Pam, age 7
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?- Kevin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Feel Unhappy-funny jokes
Daughter: Is it wrong to give anyone mental or physical hurt when he felt unhappy?
Mother: Of cause, it is.
Daughter: Fine, now I am feeling so bad. I lost in two subjects this time.
Mother(angrily): What? You------
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Mother: Of cause, it is.
Daughter: Fine, now I am feeling so bad. I lost in two subjects this time.
Mother(angrily): What? You------
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Its His Fault-funny jokes
Tom and Jack were brothers, but they often fight with each other.
Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I'm going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good."
"Yes, Mummy." the two boys answered, and they went out.
They played in the garden for an hour, and then Tom ran into the kitchen, "Mum, " he said, "Jack's broken a window in Mrs. Allens' house."
"He's a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?"
"I threw a stone at him," Tom answered,"and he quickly ducked.".
Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I'm going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good."
"Yes, Mummy." the two boys answered, and they went out.
They played in the garden for an hour, and then Tom ran into the kitchen, "Mum, " he said, "Jack's broken a window in Mrs. Allens' house."
"He's a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?"
"I threw a stone at him," Tom answered,"and he quickly ducked.".
Thursday, July 15, 2010
TELEMARKETER-funny jokes
I answered the phone one evening and quickly realized the voice on the other end belonged to a telemarketer.
Good evening, he said, may I speak with Leah Jonason?
She is a baby, I replied.
All right, said the caller, I'll try again later.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Good evening, he said, may I speak with Leah Jonason?
She is a baby, I replied.
All right, said the caller, I'll try again later.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
HIS FAULT
Billy: Mother, Bobby broke a window.
Mother: How did he do it?
Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked.
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Mother: How did he do it?
Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Did You Know Him?
At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.
I sure was! answered the host. He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?
Sort of, replied the guest. My mother married him last Saturday.
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I sure was! answered the host. He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?
Sort of, replied the guest. My mother married him last Saturday.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
I Caught Every Step
Mr. Brown was reading his evening paper when there came a tremendous banging down the stairs. He jumped up, ran to the hall, and discovered his schoolboy son sprawled on the floor.
Did you miss a step? asked his dad.
No, I caught every blessed one! came the bitter answered.
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Did you miss a step? asked his dad.
No, I caught every blessed one! came the bitter answered.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Date-funny jokes
When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, Are you single?
Why, yes, Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.
So is my mom, she said. Would you like to meet her?
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Why, yes, Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.
So is my mom, she said. Would you like to meet her?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Asking for a Raise-funny jokes
At the radio station where I worked, the manager called me into his office to preview a new sound-effects package we were considering purchasing. He closed the door so we wouldn't bother people in the outer office.
After listening to a few routine sound effects, we started playing around with low moans, maniacal screams, hysterical laughter, pleading and gunshots. When I finally opened the door and passed the manager's secretary, she looked up and inquired, Asking for a raise again?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
After listening to a few routine sound effects, we started playing around with low moans, maniacal screams, hysterical laughter, pleading and gunshots. When I finally opened the door and passed the manager's secretary, she looked up and inquired, Asking for a raise again?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Who do you think you are?-funny jokes
Who do you think you are?
The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard.
It is too crowded, they shouted. who do you think you are?
I am the driver. he said.
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The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard.
It is too crowded, they shouted. who do you think you are?
I am the driver. he said.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
We Left Nothing-funny jokes
Mrs Linda was going out for the day. She
locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman
on the door: NOBODY HOME. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING.
When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:
THANKS! WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman
on the door: NOBODY HOME. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING.
When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:
THANKS! WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A physics Examination-funny jokes
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates
were thinking it hard.The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then
hear the thunderrolls? Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
were thinking it hard.The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then
hear the thunderrolls? Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The New Teacher-funny jokes
The New Teacher
David comes from school on the first of September.
David, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.
I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said
that two and four were six too.....
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
David comes from school on the first of September.
David, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.
I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said
that two and four were six too.....
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Thursday, July 8, 2010
a good police-funny jokes
There was a man who repaired typewriters,and one day he was called into a building to do a repair. So he went there, but when he looked for a parking space, he couldn't find one.In the big city sometimes it's difficult to find a parking space. So he parked in a no parking zone and put a note on the windshield of his car that said, "I'm Joseph Goldsmith,working inside the building" to let the police know that he had to do some work. So when he finished repairing the typewriter, he came out and saw another note next to his note that said, "I'm Jeremy Flagler, police officer,working outside the building."With the note was a ticket.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
confusing-funny jokes
There once was a man who drank a lot and came home drunk every night. And his wife complained,saying, “I don’t understand how someone can just keep drinking without being thirsty! I can’t understand anyone like that.” So the man, who’d already had a few bottles too many, said, “Well,I don’t understand you either. Why is it that every
time I come home you have to bring home four other women who look exactly like you?”
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time I come home you have to bring home four other women who look exactly like you?”
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Do as the tv show-funny jokes
Tom and his wife were watching a TV show one night in which a wife hired a private detective to find out whether the husband has other ladies outside. So, tom asked his wife if she would ever do that to him. The wife said, “Yes, of course I would! Not so much to find out about the other woman, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you!”
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The reason for being late 1 hour-funny jokes
One winter morning, an employee explained to his boss why he was late almost one hour. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two." The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?" "I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The same ill-funny jokes
One day ,a lady went to see her doctor because she felt some thing wrong with her stomach.So the docotor examined she very carefully.After that ,the doctor said to her," Madame,there's nothing really wrong with your stomach.I think you worry too much recently. Do you know ,I had a man with the same trouble as you a few days ago,and I gave him the same advice as I'm going to give you. He was worried because he couldn't pay his tailor 's bills.I told him not to worry his head about the bills any more.He followed my advice and when he came to see me again two days ago ,he told me that he now felt quite all right again ."
"Yes I know all about that ," answered the lady sadly ,"You see, I'm that man's tailor."
"Yes I know all about that ," answered the lady sadly ,"You see, I'm that man's tailor."
I didnot see you -funny jokes
Once a man was stopped by the police, and the police officer asked him, "You had been driving 80 miles an hour in a 60 mile-per-hour zone. I think you have saw the notice,sir?" So the guy said, "Yes, sir,indeed i see the notice beside the road." Then the officer said,"At least you're honest. So, why were you driving so fast?" And the man replied, "I'm sorry. It's because I didn't see you."
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Old Man-funny jokes
Little Jack asked his father to give him four cents. "Darling can you tell me what did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old man," Jack replied.
"You're a good boy," said the father. "Here are four cents more. But why are you so interested in the old man?"
"He is the one who sells the candy."
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"I gave it to a poor old man," Jack replied.
"You're a good boy," said the father. "Here are four cents more. But why are you so interested in the old man?"
"He is the one who sells the candy."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
the old elevator-funny jokes
Several years later after receiving my graduate degree,I returned to the University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone said this elevator is not efficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since i entered this school.
When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."
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When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
higher price-funny jokes
Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-four dollars for pulling your son's tooth.
Mother: Twenty-four dollars! But as i know ,you always charge people only four dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: Yeah,that is right. But your son yelled so loud, he scared five other patients out of my office.
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Mother: Twenty-four dollars! But as i know ,you always charge people only four dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: Yeah,that is right. But your son yelled so loud, he scared five other patients out of my office.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Who Should be Given the Present?-funny jokes
Jack has five childern ,one day he came back home with a toy.When he entered the hose ,he summoned his children and asked who can should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. After a while ,all the childern answered: “You play with it, Daddy!”
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A talking clock-funny jokes
Tom invited some his good friends to his new apartment, and proudly showing off his new apartment to friends. A college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," Tom replied. "Wow,Tom can you tell me how's it work?"
"Watch," Tom said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
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"Watch," Tom said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Secret For a Long Life-funny jokes
A becautiful lady walks up to a little old lady rocking in a chair on her porch.
"I couldn't help thinking how happy you look," she says. "Can you tell me what makes you a long, happy life?"
"I smoke four packs a day, drink a case of whiskey half a week, fatty foods is also my favorite and never, ever exercise."
"Wow, that's amazing," says the lady. "Could you tell me how old are you?"
"Twenty-one."
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"I couldn't help thinking how happy you look," she says. "Can you tell me what makes you a long, happy life?"
"I smoke four packs a day, drink a case of whiskey half a week, fatty foods is also my favorite and never, ever exercise."
"Wow, that's amazing," says the lady. "Could you tell me how old are you?"
"Twenty-one."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Like your hair-funny jokes
My elder sister, a teacher of local primary school, was told by one of her students that there was some kind of bird had built its nest in the tree outside their classroom.
"David,could you tell me what kind of bird is?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, i only see the nest on the tree "answered David.
"oh, could you give your classmates a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged David .
"Well, it just likes your hair. "
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"David,could you tell me what kind of bird is?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, i only see the nest on the tree "answered David.
"oh, could you give your classmates a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged David .
"Well, it just likes your hair. "
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Microsoft renames itself -funny jokes
Microsoft yesterday announced that it will be changing its name to Moft -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word Microsoft, in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.
Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk, said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk, said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
spread of microchips-funny jokes
Dear Sir,
I am against to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
I am against to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Girl Just Like Mother-funny jokes
No matter which girl Tom brought home， the mother of this man would not satisfied with the girl. One a friend of Tom gave him an advice．
“Find a girl just like your mother—then she's bound to like her．
Tom thought it was a good idea .So he started to search ，and finally found the girl．Tom said to his friend：
“Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked， and even cooked like my mother．And just as you said，mother liked her”
“So，”asked the friend，“what happened？”
“Nothing，”said Tom man．“My father hates her！”
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
“Find a girl just like your mother—then she's bound to like her．
Tom thought it was a good idea .So he started to search ，and finally found the girl．Tom said to his friend：
“Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked， and even cooked like my mother．And just as you said，mother liked her”
“So，”asked the friend，“what happened？”
“Nothing，”said Tom man．“My father hates her！”
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Traitor-funny jokes
Little Tom：“Dad，what is a traitor in politics？”
Her father（a veteran politician）：“Usually the traitor is a man who leaves our party ,then joins in the other one．”
Tom：“Well then，if a man who leaves his party and to join yours？”
Father：“A convert，my son．”
Her father（a veteran politician）：“Usually the traitor is a man who leaves our party ,then joins in the other one．”
Tom：“Well then，if a man who leaves his party and to join yours？”
Father：“A convert，my son．”
good Lesson-funny jokes
There is a law in England ,person who is under the age of eighteen is not permitted to drink in a public bar．
Mr． David used to go to a bar near his home often，but he never took his son，Jack，because he was too young． Then when Jack celebrated his eighteenth birthday， Mr．David took him first time to the bar which he usually went to ．They drank for half an hour， and then Mr．David said to his son，“Now， jack，I want to teach you a useful lesson．You must always be careful not to drink too much．if you want to do that ,you need to kown when you've had enough？ Well， I'll tell you．Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar？ When they seem to have become four，you've had enough and should go home．”
“But， Dad，” said Tom，“I can only see one light at the end of the bar．”
Mr． David used to go to a bar near his home often，but he never took his son，Jack，because he was too young． Then when Jack celebrated his eighteenth birthday， Mr．David took him first time to the bar which he usually went to ．They drank for half an hour， and then Mr．David said to his son，“Now， jack，I want to teach you a useful lesson．You must always be careful not to drink too much．if you want to do that ,you need to kown when you've had enough？ Well， I'll tell you．Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar？ When they seem to have become four，you've had enough and should go home．”
“But， Dad，” said Tom，“I can only see one light at the end of the bar．”
Recently there was a contest in The BBC, readers were required to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:
The Year 2000 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 1999 problem.
Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The Year 2000 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 1999 problem.
Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Monday, July 5, 2010
Only one guy not prepare-funny jokes
As there was a problem happed to engine, the pilot instructed all the crew pannels to let all the passagers to take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
After several munites later, the pilot asked all the workes if all the passagers were buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.
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After several munites later, the pilot asked all the workes if all the passagers were buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Jump without a parachute-funny jokes
A lady jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on her back. When she's falling, she realized her chute is broken. She know little relating to the parachutes, but as she rapidly near the earth, she realized she had no other choice; she takes off the parachute and tried to fix it herself on the way down. The wind is ripping past her face, she's dropping very fast and at 7000 feet, another man went shooting up past she. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!
The man flying up looked down and yelled, No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!
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The man flying up looked down and yelled, No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
emergency number-funny jokes
Once two friends went to hunt in a forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to nearly stop his breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency number for help. A lady operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the lady operator heard a sound of gunshot from the other end of the phone ,then she heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet-funny jokes
Young Father: "Doctor, my little boby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
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Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Their Children-funny jokes
David met his best three friends at a hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. They were talking about how to name their childern ,then a nurse comes up to the first man and said, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, i am working for Minnesota Twins." a monment later the nurse came up to the second man and said, "Congratulations, you got triplets."the man said "Hmmm, strange I am the manager of the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse went up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." this man was happy and said, "It was really strange, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see Daivd walking quickly all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." this man was happy and said, "It was really strange, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see Daivd walking quickly all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
I am sorry-funny jokes
A German boy has been learning English ,but only few days later ,he thought he had mastered the English very well.
One day he knocked into a man from united states,he said I am sorry.
The foreigner answered：I am sorry too.
The German boy replied：I am sorry three.
Confused,the foreigner answered, ：What are you sorry for?
The boy said ：I am sorry five.
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One day he knocked into a man from united states,he said I am sorry.
The foreigner answered：I am sorry too.
The German boy replied：I am sorry three.
Confused,the foreigner answered, ：What are you sorry for?
The boy said ：I am sorry five.
More discount golf clubs
can I have a penny-funny jokes
A lady went to church and began talking to God. She asked: "God, what is a billon dollars to you?" and God replied: "A penny", then old lady asked again: "God, what is a billion years to you?" and God answered: "a second", then old lady asked : "God, may i have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
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