A married couple goes to hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.
"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.
"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy.
As the woman goes into labor, the doctor sets the machine to 10 percent and asks the man if it hurts. "No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.
"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all.
The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Medical Journal, while the couple takes their baby home. On the doorstep they find the wife's tennis coach dead.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Excited Remarks
Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! I’m going to have one of those someday, his dad’s response always was Not as long as I’m alive.
One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I’m getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.
One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I’m getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.
Sharing the Apples
Sharing the Apples
Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.
So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.
Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I’d have given you the large one and had the small one myself.
Well, said Harry, that’s what you’ve got, so what are you worrying about?
Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.
So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.
Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I’d have given you the large one and had the small one myself.
Well, said Harry, that’s what you’ve got, so what are you worrying about?
The ability of the Kangaroo
The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?"
"I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
"I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
I Cant Let Him Get Away
A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away .So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day.
The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Change
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
In the next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
In the next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Travel on the plane
or two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I‘ve done all the talking, and I‘m so sorry.I know you certainly have something to say.please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I‘ve done all the talking, and I‘m so sorry.I know you certainly have something to say.please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
retirement Humor
OLD FRIDGE REpAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Not a dancer
A lady went to a pet shop to buy a parakeet. She asked the clerk for a bird that could sing. The man sold her a parakeet, and she took it home. There, she examined the bird and found out it had a broken leg. She returned to the store with the bird and told the clerk that the bird had a broken leg. "Lady," he answered, "when you brought the bird, you asked for a singer, not a dancer."
Not a dancer
A lady went to a pet shop to buy a parakeet. She asked the clerk for a bird that could sing. The man sold her a parakeet, and she took it home. There, she examined the bird and found out it had a broken leg. She returned to the store with the bird and told the clerk that the bird had a broken leg. "Lady," he answered, "when you brought the bird, you asked for a singer, not a dancer."
Monday, August 23, 2010
Supervisor
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he´s ever seen.
He watches her for 3 days straight, and can´t stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string:
"If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then fast another 10."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
He watches her for 3 days straight, and can´t stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string:
"If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then fast another 10."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Nude art
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn´t like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Five cannibals
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You´re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don´t trouble any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You´re all working very hard, and I´m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we´ve been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You´re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don´t trouble any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You´re all working very hard, and I´m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we´ve been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
Snip, snip
One day at the veterinarian´s office, a man and the female receptionist were verbally sparring.
After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker´s defense.
"Sir..." she said. "Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker´s defense.
"Sir..." she said. "Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Saturday, August 21, 2010
There was a place crash in Poland
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth to the moon? The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks Well, so what's the answer? Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth to the moon? The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks Well, so what's the answer? Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. Throw out more! shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. More! he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says A pistol hit me on the head!
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, A rifle hit me on the head!
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, Kid, what's so funny? The boy replies, I sneezed and a house blew up!
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says A pistol hit me on the head!
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, A rifle hit me on the head!
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, Kid, what's so funny? The boy replies, I sneezed and a house blew up!
Theres a parrot on the plane
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks And get me a whisky you cow! The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you.
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you.
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Results of damage testing
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
Trouble with plane engines
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.
Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up!
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up!
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
There are lawyers on the flight
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.
Flying without a parachute
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!
The guy flying up looks down and yells, No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
The guy flying up looks down and yells, No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Friday, August 20, 2010
Choose a punishment
private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month‘s restriction or twenty day‘s pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I‘ll take the money."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
"You can take your choice, private - one month‘s restriction or twenty day‘s pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I‘ll take the money."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
An opponent lost his head
While making a long, dull speech, a politician received a great deal of heckling from the gallery. Secondly, someone threw a cabbage onto the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the politician , "I see that one of my opponents has lost his head."
A special football match
Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Brack, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream."
"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.
"Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.
"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.
"Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.
A game of animal football
The animals were bored.Finally, the lion had an idea."I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football.I‘ve seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion‘s team received.They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion‘s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.The lion‘s team led at halftime 7 - 6.In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys.We can win this game.We‘ve got the lead and they only have one real threat.We‘ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he‘s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began.Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino‘s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.First, he stomped two gazelles.He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.It looked like he was home free.Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead.There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened.Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion‘s team received.They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion‘s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.The lion‘s team led at halftime 7 - 6.In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys.We can win this game.We‘ve got the lead and they only have one real threat.We‘ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he‘s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began.Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino‘s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.First, he stomped two gazelles.He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.It looked like he was home free.Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead.There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened.Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
He told me to see you
Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Humor about retirement
OLD FRIDGE REpAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
Not a dancer
A lady went to a pet shop to buy a parakeet. She asked the clerk for a bird that could sing. The man sold her a parakeet, and she took it home. There, she examined the bird and found out it had a broken leg. She returned to the store with the bird and told the clerk that the bird had a broken leg. "Lady," he answered, "when you brought the bird, you asked for a singer, not a dancer."
Grocery shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don‘t be upset. It won‘t be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn‘t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don‘t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we‘ll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we‘ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn‘t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl‘s name is Tammy... I‘m Ellen."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn‘t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don‘t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we‘ll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we‘ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn‘t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl‘s name is Tammy... I‘m Ellen."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Catch a cold
During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.
"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.
"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."
"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.
"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."
Travel on the plane
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I‘ve done all the talking, and I‘m so sorry.I know you certainly have something to say.please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I‘ve done all the talking, and I‘m so sorry.I know you certainly have something to say.please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
High and low voice
"Can you explain to me what the difference is between a high-pitched and low-pitched voice?"
"A high-pitched voice is when my father scolds me；a low-pitched voice is when my father speaks with his boss."
"A high-pitched voice is when my father scolds me；a low-pitched voice is when my father speaks with his boss."
Change
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
In the next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
In the next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
France Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in paris?
A: He was declared to be in Seine.
------------------------------------------------------------
Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that‘s what I wrote in my geography test!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
---------------------------------------------------------------
First witch: I‘m going to France tomorrow.
Second witch: Are you going by broom?
First witch: No, by hoovercraft.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
A: He was declared to be in Seine.
------------------------------------------------------------
Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that‘s what I wrote in my geography test!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
---------------------------------------------------------------
First witch: I‘m going to France tomorrow.
Second witch: Are you going by broom?
First witch: No, by hoovercraft.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Humor about retirement
OLD FRIDGE REpAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
Not a dancer
A lady went to a pet shop to buy a parakeet. She asked the clerk for a bird that could sing. The man sold her a parakeet, and she took it home. There, she examined the bird and found out it had a broken leg. She returned to the store with the bird and told the clerk that the bird had a broken leg. "Lady," he answered, "when you brought the bird, you asked for a singer, not a dancer."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
He told me to see you
Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
Single man at the supermarket
A young man went shopping. He bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna, a small jar of mayo, a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When he came to the counter the girl at the cashregister smiled at him and said; "Dearest, You must be single."
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You′re so goddamn ugly..."
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You′re so goddamn ugly..."
The story of the bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.One says, "Let‘s fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Adults have learned
Great truths about life that adults have learned
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I‘m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don‘t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today‘s mighty oak is just yesterday‘s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It‘s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don‘t have all the facts.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I‘m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don‘t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today‘s mighty oak is just yesterday‘s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It‘s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don‘t have all the facts.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Diplomatic way
A man enters a restaurant, takes a seat, and, instead of using the napkin, takes the table cloth from the table and tucks it around his neck.
The head waiter sees it and tells the waiter to go and tell him, in a diplomatic way, that what he did was incorrect.
The waiter goes to the man and says, "Good day to you Sir.. Would you like a shave or a haircut?".
The head waiter sees it and tells the waiter to go and tell him, in a diplomatic way, that what he did was incorrect.
The waiter goes to the man and says, "Good day to you Sir.. Would you like a shave or a haircut?".
The pre-birth class
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.‘ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.‘"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.‘ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.‘"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
One hundred percent
Patient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances of recovery?
Doctor: Just one hundred percent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die of the disease. Now nine of my patients have already died of it. You are the tenth!
Doctor: Just one hundred percent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die of the disease. Now nine of my patients have already died of it. You are the tenth!
Recently seen
Recently seen on a card...
Outside: We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...
Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!
Outside: We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...
Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!
Jokes about Age
OLD NUCLEAR pOWER pLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don‘t give a hoot
OLD pACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD pARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD pILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don‘t give a hoot
OLD pACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD pARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD pILOTS never die, they just buzz off
Have a first child
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife‘s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife‘s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
it was overdue
your funny story was too overdue. i used to hear about it when i was just a middle school student. have you ever heard about this sentence: " we brother who and who"?
The Watermelon Patch
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field.
The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide, So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made.
The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.
It says, "Now there are two"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field.
The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide, So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made.
The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.
It says, "Now there are two"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Revealing Gift Test
Revealing Gift Test Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you"d most like to receive.
Movies changed
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn‘t help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You‘re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn‘t help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You‘re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Eating some peanuts
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man‘s first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That‘s okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That‘s okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man‘s first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That‘s okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That‘s okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
We have new babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
New hearing aid
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven‘t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I‘ve changed my will three times!"
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven‘t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I‘ve changed my will three times!"
Diplomatic way
A man enters a restaurant, takes a seat, and, instead of using the napkin, takes the table cloth from the table and tucks it around his neck.
The head waiter sees it and tells the waiter to go and tell him, in a diplomatic way, that what he did was incorrect.
The waiter goes to the man and says, "Good day to you Sir.. Would you like a shave or a haircut?".
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
The head waiter sees it and tells the waiter to go and tell him, in a diplomatic way, that what he did was incorrect.
The waiter goes to the man and says, "Good day to you Sir.. Would you like a shave or a haircut?".
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Never talk to the parrot
Mrs. peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn‘t accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I‘ll leave the key under the mat.Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I‘ll mail you a check.By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won‘t bother you.I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn‘t resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don‘t you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn‘t resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don‘t you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
The story of the bats
The story of the bats Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.One says, "Let‘s fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."
"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."
Humor about Senior Citizens
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER pHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LASER pHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn‘t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What‘s your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That‘s amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?‘
"Twenty-six," he said.
"I couldn‘t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What‘s your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That‘s amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?‘
"Twenty-six," he said.
Single man at the supermarket
A young man went shopping. He bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna a small jar of mayo a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When he came to the counter the girl at the cashregister smiled at him and said; "Dearest, You must be single."
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You′re so goddamn ugly..."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You′re so goddamn ugly..."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
the thinnest book
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Friday, August 13, 2010
swap partners for sex
A married couple on the farm are visited by an alien couple. The alien couple asked the human couple if they would like to swap partners for sex.
They agree, the human woman and alien man are together. She says, "You have a small penis!"
The alien man replies, "pull my ears!"
So she pulls his ears and his penis becomes larger. She is astonished and has the best sex of her life.
When the human couple come back together, she asked him how was it.
He replies, "It was great, but my ears are just killing me!"
They agree, the human woman and alien man are together. She says, "You have a small penis!"
The alien man replies, "pull my ears!"
So she pulls his ears and his penis becomes larger. She is astonished and has the best sex of her life.
When the human couple come back together, she asked him how was it.
He replies, "It was great, but my ears are just killing me!"
Steven Wright on dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.Some people are afraid of heights.Not me, I‘m afraid of widths.
I had a dog once.I spilled spot remover on him, and now he‘s gone.
I put contact lenses in my dog‘s eyes.They had little pictures of cats on them.Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.It‘s fun to call him..."Come here, Stay!Come here, Stay!"He went insane.Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.He‘s an East German Shepherd.
I had a dog once.I spilled spot remover on him, and now he‘s gone.
I put contact lenses in my dog‘s eyes.They had little pictures of cats on them.Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.It‘s fun to call him..."Come here, Stay!Come here, Stay!"He went insane.Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.He‘s an East German Shepherd.
perfect penis
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little
girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don`t know." At that time he hears his mom
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he
sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a
matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis
and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don`t know." At that time he hears his mom
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he
sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a
matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis
and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
Adults have learned
Great truths about life that adults have learned
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I‘m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don‘t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today‘s mighty oak is just yesterday‘s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It‘s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don‘t have all the facts.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I‘m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don‘t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today‘s mighty oak is just yesterday‘s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It‘s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don‘t have all the facts.
The blonde and the farmer
There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing there watching too. She walked up to him asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one"? The farmer agreed. She guessed, 387. The farmer said that was correct. So, go take your pick on which one you want. She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her, and asked, "If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back"?
No other choice
One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"
This is my seat
"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."
Always Thirsty
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"That"s terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
"That"s terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)