John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.
Just then Jessica said, I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, Sir your license has expired.
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, Jessica, shut your mouth!
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. Does your husband always talk to you like that?
Jessica replied, only when he's drunk.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A seal visits a local bar
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, What's your pleasure?
The seal replies, Anything but Canadian Club.
The bartender asks the seal, What's your pleasure?
The seal replies, Anything but Canadian Club.
Female hormones in beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
A very depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.
No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
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The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.
No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
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Where is this bus going?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Man, I'm on the wrong bus!
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She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Man, I'm on the wrong bus!
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Saturday, September 18, 2010
The wife is not speaking to me
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
What's the matter? the bartender asks.
My wife and I got into a fight, explained the guy and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.
The bartender thought about this for a while. But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you? asked the bartender.
Yeah, except today is the last night.
What's the matter? the bartender asks.
My wife and I got into a fight, explained the guy and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.
The bartender thought about this for a while. But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you? asked the bartender.
Yeah, except today is the last night.
Female hormones in beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
Reserved by funny jokes
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
Reserved by funny jokes
A very depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.
No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
Reserved by funny jokes
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.
No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
Reserved by funny jokes
Where is this bus going?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Man, I'm on the wrong bus!
Reserved by funny jokes
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Man, I'm on the wrong bus!
Reserved by funny jokes
Thursday, September 9, 2010
something Really Cheap
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
How about some perfume？he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
That’s a bit much,said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
That’s still quite a bit,Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
What I mean,said Tim, is I’d like to see something really cheap.
The clerk handed him a mirror.
How about some perfume？he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
That’s a bit much,said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
That’s still quite a bit,Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
What I mean,said Tim, is I’d like to see something really cheap.
The clerk handed him a mirror.
What soldiers?
Wife: Dear! Take a look at those soldiers gawking at the lovely young girl passing by.
Husband: Soldiers? What soldiers?
Husband: Soldiers? What soldiers?
Six or Twelve?
A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she‘d like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she‘d like to have it cut into: six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six please, said the blonde. I don‘t think I could ever eat twelve.
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Reserved by funny jokes
My Boss and I
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Which country he should be
A Yuan-year-old uncle and watching TV, TV is broadcast soccer, uncle to inspire A Yuan, on to the E Yuan said: "TV is a Chinese team black hair, red or blond hair and a foreign team," uncle did not understand the fear of Eyuan, added: "The Chinese black hair", A Yuan said: "That my grandfather was white hair, is that country's team ah?"
Good Habit
During the World Cup, a team member Tim was a child, all his teammates were invited to participate in baptism, came to the church. Suddenly the child slipped from his mother, the goalkeeper saved decisively, in a place a few centimeters from the ground and caught the child. Applaud and talk, but he used to run forward a few steps, then skillfully big feet out.
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Reserved by funny jokes
We have made a good achievement
A swim team in international competition back at the airport, the coach said in an interview: "Yes, though our team did not get a medal. But it should be noted that, in the race, our team and no one was drowned. "
Reserved by funny jokes
Reserved by funny jokes
Goalkeeper habit
Add a team member of a child, all his teammates were invited to participate in baptism, came to the church. Suddenly the child slipped from his mother, the goalkeeper saved decisively, in a place a few centimeters from the ground and caught the child. Applaud and talk, goalkeeper used to shoot two under, then skillfully Feet out
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Classified ads
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine
for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for
Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for
sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who
lives with him after 7 PM."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he
has received several annoying telephone calls because
of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday.
The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale - R.D. Jones
has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine
for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had
the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with
Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but
she quit!
for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for
Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for
sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who
lives with him after 7 PM."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he
has received several annoying telephone calls because
of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday.
The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale - R.D. Jones
has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine
for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had
the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with
Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but
she quit!
A Doctor's Wise Investment
There was an art exposition, and the artist who painted
the pictures for the exposition asked the gallery owner
whether anyone had been interested in his paintings.
So the owner said, "I have good news and bad news for you.
The good news is that there was a gentleman interested
in your paintings and he asked me whether your artwork
would increase in value after your death, just like that of
many other artists. So I said, yes, of course, it would.
According to your potential, your paintings will, of course,
increase in value after your death. So he bought fifteen of
them altogether. That's the good news." Then the artist asked,
"What about the bad news?" And the gallery owner replied, "
The guy who bought the paintings is your doctor."
the pictures for the exposition asked the gallery owner
whether anyone had been interested in his paintings.
So the owner said, "I have good news and bad news for you.
The good news is that there was a gentleman interested
in your paintings and he asked me whether your artwork
would increase in value after your death, just like that of
many other artists. So I said, yes, of course, it would.
According to your potential, your paintings will, of course,
increase in value after your death. So he bought fifteen of
them altogether. That's the good news." Then the artist asked,
"What about the bad news?" And the gallery owner replied, "
The guy who bought the paintings is your doctor."
faster than you
Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance,
running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of Nikes from his bag and starts to
put them on. The other guy with a surprised lookand exclaims, Do you think you will run faster
than the tiger with those? His friend replies: I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than
you
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running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of Nikes from his bag and starts to
put them on. The other guy with a surprised lookand exclaims, Do you think you will run faster
than the tiger with those? His friend replies: I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than
you
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Its part of the game
Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See,
he doesn't make a sound. Mary: Of course he doesn't. Mom, it's part of the game
we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and I'm you.
he doesn't make a sound. Mary: Of course he doesn't. Mom, it's part of the game
we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and I'm you.
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue. The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!" The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!" The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
Reserved by funny jokes
Reserved by funny jokes
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Painless Birth
A married couple goes to hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.
"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.
"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy.
As the woman goes into labor, the doctor sets the machine to 10 percent and asks the man if it hurts. "No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.
"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all.
The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Medical Journal, while the couple takes their baby home. On the doorstep they find the wife's tennis coach dead.
"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.
"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy.
As the woman goes into labor, the doctor sets the machine to 10 percent and asks the man if it hurts. "No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.
"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all.
The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Medical Journal, while the couple takes their baby home. On the doorstep they find the wife's tennis coach dead.
Excited Remarks
Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! I’m going to have one of those someday, his dad’s response always was Not as long as I’m alive.
One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I’m getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.
One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I’m getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.
Sharing the Apples
Sharing the Apples
Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.
So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.
Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I’d have given you the large one and had the small one myself.
Well, said Harry, that’s what you’ve got, so what are you worrying about?
Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.
So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.
Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I’d have given you the large one and had the small one myself.
Well, said Harry, that’s what you’ve got, so what are you worrying about?
The ability of the Kangaroo
The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?"
"I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
"I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
I Cant Let Him Get Away
A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away .So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day.
The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Change
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
In the next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
In the next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Travel on the plane
or two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I‘ve done all the talking, and I‘m so sorry.I know you certainly have something to say.please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I‘ve done all the talking, and I‘m so sorry.I know you certainly have something to say.please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
retirement Humor
OLD FRIDGE REpAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Not a dancer
A lady went to a pet shop to buy a parakeet. She asked the clerk for a bird that could sing. The man sold her a parakeet, and she took it home. There, she examined the bird and found out it had a broken leg. She returned to the store with the bird and told the clerk that the bird had a broken leg. "Lady," he answered, "when you brought the bird, you asked for a singer, not a dancer."
Not a dancer
A lady went to a pet shop to buy a parakeet. She asked the clerk for a bird that could sing. The man sold her a parakeet, and she took it home. There, she examined the bird and found out it had a broken leg. She returned to the store with the bird and told the clerk that the bird had a broken leg. "Lady," he answered, "when you brought the bird, you asked for a singer, not a dancer."
Monday, August 23, 2010
Supervisor
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he´s ever seen.
He watches her for 3 days straight, and can´t stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string:
"If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then fast another 10."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
He watches her for 3 days straight, and can´t stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string:
"If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then fast another 10."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Nude art
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn´t like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Five cannibals
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You´re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don´t trouble any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You´re all working very hard, and I´m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we´ve been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You´re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don´t trouble any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You´re all working very hard, and I´m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we´ve been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
Snip, snip
One day at the veterinarian´s office, a man and the female receptionist were verbally sparring.
After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker´s defense.
"Sir..." she said. "Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker´s defense.
"Sir..." she said. "Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Saturday, August 21, 2010
There was a place crash in Poland
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth to the moon? The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks Well, so what's the answer? Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth to the moon? The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks Well, so what's the answer? Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. Throw out more! shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. More! he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says A pistol hit me on the head!
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, A rifle hit me on the head!
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, Kid, what's so funny? The boy replies, I sneezed and a house blew up!
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says A pistol hit me on the head!
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, A rifle hit me on the head!
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, Kid, what's so funny? The boy replies, I sneezed and a house blew up!
Theres a parrot on the plane
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks And get me a whisky you cow! The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you.
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you.
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Results of damage testing
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
Trouble with plane engines
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.
Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up!
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up!
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
There are lawyers on the flight
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.
Flying without a parachute
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!
The guy flying up looks down and yells, No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
The guy flying up looks down and yells, No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Friday, August 20, 2010
Choose a punishment
private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month‘s restriction or twenty day‘s pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I‘ll take the money."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
"You can take your choice, private - one month‘s restriction or twenty day‘s pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I‘ll take the money."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
An opponent lost his head
While making a long, dull speech, a politician received a great deal of heckling from the gallery. Secondly, someone threw a cabbage onto the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the politician , "I see that one of my opponents has lost his head."
A special football match
Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Brack, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream."
"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.
"Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.
"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.
"Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.
A game of animal football
The animals were bored.Finally, the lion had an idea."I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football.I‘ve seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion‘s team received.They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion‘s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.The lion‘s team led at halftime 7 - 6.In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys.We can win this game.We‘ve got the lead and they only have one real threat.We‘ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he‘s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began.Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino‘s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.First, he stomped two gazelles.He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.It looked like he was home free.Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead.There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened.Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion‘s team received.They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion‘s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.The lion‘s team led at halftime 7 - 6.In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys.We can win this game.We‘ve got the lead and they only have one real threat.We‘ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he‘s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began.Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino‘s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.First, he stomped two gazelles.He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.It looked like he was home free.Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead.There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened.Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
He told me to see you
Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Humor about retirement
OLD FRIDGE REpAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
Not a dancer
A lady went to a pet shop to buy a parakeet. She asked the clerk for a bird that could sing. The man sold her a parakeet, and she took it home. There, she examined the bird and found out it had a broken leg. She returned to the store with the bird and told the clerk that the bird had a broken leg. "Lady," he answered, "when you brought the bird, you asked for a singer, not a dancer."
Grocery shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don‘t be upset. It won‘t be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn‘t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don‘t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we‘ll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we‘ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn‘t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl‘s name is Tammy... I‘m Ellen."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn‘t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don‘t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we‘ll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we‘ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn‘t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl‘s name is Tammy... I‘m Ellen."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Catch a cold
During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.
"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.
"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."
"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.
"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."
Travel on the plane
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I‘ve done all the talking, and I‘m so sorry.I know you certainly have something to say.please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I‘ve done all the talking, and I‘m so sorry.I know you certainly have something to say.please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
High and low voice
"Can you explain to me what the difference is between a high-pitched and low-pitched voice?"
"A high-pitched voice is when my father scolds me；a low-pitched voice is when my father speaks with his boss."
"A high-pitched voice is when my father scolds me；a low-pitched voice is when my father speaks with his boss."
Change
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
In the next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
In the next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
France Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in paris?
A: He was declared to be in Seine.
------------------------------------------------------------
Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that‘s what I wrote in my geography test!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
---------------------------------------------------------------
First witch: I‘m going to France tomorrow.
Second witch: Are you going by broom?
First witch: No, by hoovercraft.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
A: He was declared to be in Seine.
------------------------------------------------------------
Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that‘s what I wrote in my geography test!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
---------------------------------------------------------------
First witch: I‘m going to France tomorrow.
Second witch: Are you going by broom?
First witch: No, by hoovercraft.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Humor about retirement
OLD FRIDGE REpAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
Not a dancer
A lady went to a pet shop to buy a parakeet. She asked the clerk for a bird that could sing. The man sold her a parakeet, and she took it home. There, she examined the bird and found out it had a broken leg. She returned to the store with the bird and told the clerk that the bird had a broken leg. "Lady," he answered, "when you brought the bird, you asked for a singer, not a dancer."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
He told me to see you
Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
Single man at the supermarket
A young man went shopping. He bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna, a small jar of mayo, a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When he came to the counter the girl at the cashregister smiled at him and said; "Dearest, You must be single."
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You′re so goddamn ugly..."
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You′re so goddamn ugly..."
The story of the bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.One says, "Let‘s fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Adults have learned
Great truths about life that adults have learned
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I‘m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don‘t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today‘s mighty oak is just yesterday‘s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It‘s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don‘t have all the facts.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I‘m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don‘t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today‘s mighty oak is just yesterday‘s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It‘s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don‘t have all the facts.
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Diplomatic way
A man enters a restaurant, takes a seat, and, instead of using the napkin, takes the table cloth from the table and tucks it around his neck.
The head waiter sees it and tells the waiter to go and tell him, in a diplomatic way, that what he did was incorrect.
The waiter goes to the man and says, "Good day to you Sir.. Would you like a shave or a haircut?".
The head waiter sees it and tells the waiter to go and tell him, in a diplomatic way, that what he did was incorrect.
The waiter goes to the man and says, "Good day to you Sir.. Would you like a shave or a haircut?".
The pre-birth class
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.‘ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.‘"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.‘ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.‘"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
One hundred percent
Patient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances of recovery?
Doctor: Just one hundred percent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die of the disease. Now nine of my patients have already died of it. You are the tenth!
Doctor: Just one hundred percent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die of the disease. Now nine of my patients have already died of it. You are the tenth!
Recently seen
Recently seen on a card...
Outside: We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...
Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!
Outside: We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...
Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!
Jokes about Age
OLD NUCLEAR pOWER pLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don‘t give a hoot
OLD pACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD pARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD pILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don‘t give a hoot
OLD pACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD pARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD pILOTS never die, they just buzz off
Have a first child
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife‘s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife‘s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
it was overdue
your funny story was too overdue. i used to hear about it when i was just a middle school student. have you ever heard about this sentence: " we brother who and who"?
The Watermelon Patch
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field.
The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide, So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made.
The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.
It says, "Now there are two"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field.
The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide, So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made.
The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.
It says, "Now there are two"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Revealing Gift Test
Revealing Gift Test Which gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you"d most like to receive.
Movies changed
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn‘t help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You‘re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn‘t help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You‘re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Eating some peanuts
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man‘s first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That‘s okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That‘s okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man‘s first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That‘s okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That‘s okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
We have new babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
New hearing aid
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven‘t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I‘ve changed my will three times!"
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven‘t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I‘ve changed my will three times!"
Diplomatic way
A man enters a restaurant, takes a seat, and, instead of using the napkin, takes the table cloth from the table and tucks it around his neck.
The head waiter sees it and tells the waiter to go and tell him, in a diplomatic way, that what he did was incorrect.
The waiter goes to the man and says, "Good day to you Sir.. Would you like a shave or a haircut?".
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
The head waiter sees it and tells the waiter to go and tell him, in a diplomatic way, that what he did was incorrect.
The waiter goes to the man and says, "Good day to you Sir.. Would you like a shave or a haircut?".
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Never talk to the parrot
Mrs. peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn‘t accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I‘ll leave the key under the mat.Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I‘ll mail you a check.By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won‘t bother you.I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn‘t resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don‘t you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn‘t resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don‘t you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
The story of the bats
The story of the bats Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.One says, "Let‘s fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."
"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."
Humor about Senior Citizens
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER pHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LASER pHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn‘t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What‘s your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That‘s amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?‘
"Twenty-six," he said.
"I couldn‘t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What‘s your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That‘s amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?‘
"Twenty-six," he said.
Single man at the supermarket
A young man went shopping. He bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna a small jar of mayo a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When he came to the counter the girl at the cashregister smiled at him and said; "Dearest, You must be single."
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You′re so goddamn ugly..."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You′re so goddamn ugly..."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
the thinnest book
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
More funny jokes .,you can visit http://www.freshglobalnews.com
Friday, August 13, 2010
swap partners for sex
A married couple on the farm are visited by an alien couple. The alien couple asked the human couple if they would like to swap partners for sex.
They agree, the human woman and alien man are together. She says, "You have a small penis!"
The alien man replies, "pull my ears!"
So she pulls his ears and his penis becomes larger. She is astonished and has the best sex of her life.
When the human couple come back together, she asked him how was it.
He replies, "It was great, but my ears are just killing me!"
They agree, the human woman and alien man are together. She says, "You have a small penis!"
The alien man replies, "pull my ears!"
So she pulls his ears and his penis becomes larger. She is astonished and has the best sex of her life.
When the human couple come back together, she asked him how was it.
He replies, "It was great, but my ears are just killing me!"
Steven Wright on dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.Some people are afraid of heights.Not me, I‘m afraid of widths.
I had a dog once.I spilled spot remover on him, and now he‘s gone.
I put contact lenses in my dog‘s eyes.They had little pictures of cats on them.Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.It‘s fun to call him..."Come here, Stay!Come here, Stay!"He went insane.Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.He‘s an East German Shepherd.
I had a dog once.I spilled spot remover on him, and now he‘s gone.
I put contact lenses in my dog‘s eyes.They had little pictures of cats on them.Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.It‘s fun to call him..."Come here, Stay!Come here, Stay!"He went insane.Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.He‘s an East German Shepherd.
perfect penis
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little
girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don`t know." At that time he hears his mom
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he
sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a
matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis
and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don`t know." At that time he hears his mom
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he
sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a
matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis
and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
Adults have learned
Great truths about life that adults have learned
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I‘m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don‘t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today‘s mighty oak is just yesterday‘s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It‘s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don‘t have all the facts.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I‘m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don‘t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today‘s mighty oak is just yesterday‘s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It‘s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don‘t have all the facts.
The blonde and the farmer
There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing there watching too. She walked up to him asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one"? The farmer agreed. She guessed, 387. The farmer said that was correct. So, go take your pick on which one you want. She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her, and asked, "If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back"?
No other choice
One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"
This is my seat
"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."
Always Thirsty
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"That"s terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
"That"s terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
A fine weapon to kill time
Do you sing and play much a young man asked the pretty girl who was carelessly thrumming the keys of the piano.
Only to kill time. she replied.
You';ve got a fine weapon, I must admit. ventured the young man.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Only to kill time. she replied.
You';ve got a fine weapon, I must admit. ventured the young man.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A fine weapon to kill time
when i was a freshman in our university,one day,our new teacher want us to say sth about yourself then ,a student standed up, and said i come from shandong ,and i want to learn more when im in university,and hope good ,good study ,day ,day up.then our teacher said it is chinese english, good,good study ,day day up is wrong sentence,then our teacher said there are so many people even said i will give you color see see,how funny it is!!
All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later
Mary was so disgusted at her husband';s cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
';I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.';
';Don';t worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.'; He said with a smile.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
';I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.';
';Don';t worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.'; He said with a smile.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Are you using you mower this afternoon?
Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?
Mr.Smith: Yes.
Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won';t be needing it?
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Mr.Smith: Yes.
Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won';t be needing it?
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
my husband
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.
';Why are you so nervous'; I asked him.
';The numbers are the date of our anniversary.'; my usband confessed.
';Why are you so nervous'; I asked him.
';The numbers are the date of our anniversary.'; my usband confessed.
Who was fighting
Mother Freddie, why is your face so red
Freddie I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother That';s a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting
Freddie Me and Jackie Smith.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Freddie I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother That';s a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting
Freddie Me and Jackie Smith.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
I don';t want Him to know I';m here
A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. ';I';d rather not,';, the clergyman said, '; I don';t want Him to know I';m here.';
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. ';I';d rather not,';, the clergyman said, '; I don';t want Him to know I';m here.';
Travel Expenses
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank';s underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000
The business man replied Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank';s underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000
The business man replied Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Get the kid
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,';Get the kid.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
taxi
As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that ';Time is money';?" "Well,it';s a very common saying.Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered . "Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter. "Oh.yes.You';ve got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver. More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Mr Smith
Mr Smith had three brothers and two sisters. When his mother’s birthday was coming, they all wanted to seng her presents. Mr Smith thought the presents of his brothers’ and sisters’ were not good enough. He decided to buy a better one. He heard about an interesting bird. The bird could speak twelve languages and sing twentr famous song. The price was as high as $5,000, but he bought the bird ang had it send to his mother.The day after his mother’s birthday,he telephoned his mother.“How do you like the bird?”he asked.“Wonderful!”his mother answed with a smile. “It’s very delicious.”
buy some pears
One day a little girl came into a shop. She had five dollars ang wanted to buy some pears. She said to the shopkeeper, “Please give me pears for five dollars.”When the shopkeeper gave her the pears,the girl counted them. Then she said, “Last week my mother bought pears here for five dollars, and she got more than I got for the same money. Why did you give me so few?”“Don’t ask questions,my girl.I have no time for questions.”“Excuse me,sir,”said the little girl, “but…”“That’s all right, my girl,”said the shopkeeper. “Don’t you understand? You get fewer pears, and you will carry less fruit.”“All right,”said the girl and she put four dollars on the counter. She was going to leave the shop when she heard the words, “Come back. You must give me five dollars.”“That’s all right!”said the girl, “Don’t you understand?You get fewer dollars,and you will count less money.”
Bruce
Bruce usually goes to school early in the morning, and comes back home late in the afternoon. One day, Bruce has something importang to do and he wants to go home earlier than usual, but his teacher asks him to finish his homework before going home. “That’ll be late for me,” Bruce thinks, “Imust do something about it now…”After some time, Bruce sees his teacher taking a nap in his chair. He goes over to him quickly and carefully colours the teacher’s glasses black with a writing brush.. Then he goes back to his seat quickly and says, “Mr King, it’s dark now and it’s time to go home.”Mr King operns his eyes and says, “Oh,yes,it’s so dark, You can go home now.”At this, Bruce smiles happily and runs out of the classroom as quickly as he can.
Shakespearian Prose
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom';s hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man."
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn';t go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother';s hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn';t go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother';s hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
Boudreaux Wants Work
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job.
The boss thought to himself - I';m not hiring that lazy portagee, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn';t be able to answer the questions and he';d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat';s easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree ';n tree ';n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it';s - dirty tree ';n dirtytree ';n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he';s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux';s attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree", so now ya got dirty tree an'; a turd, dirty tree an'; a turd, and dirty tree an ';a turd, which makes 100.
When do I start my job?"
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The boss thought to himself - I';m not hiring that lazy portagee, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn';t be able to answer the questions and he';d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat';s easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree ';n tree ';n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it';s - dirty tree ';n dirtytree ';n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he';s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux';s attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree", so now ya got dirty tree an'; a turd, dirty tree an'; a turd, and dirty tree an ';a turd, which makes 100.
When do I start my job?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The Rescue
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.
"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety.
Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"
"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety.
Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"
A panda
A panda walked into a restauraunt, ordered a sandwich and ate it. Then he pulled out a snipper,shot the waiter dead and started to leave. The manageer stopped him and said:"You didn';t pay for the food yet and you just killed my waiter!" The Panda answered:"I';m a panda, look it up!" The manager opened a dictionary and found the definition:
Panda, an Ancient anmimal of black and white color,EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.
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Panda, an Ancient anmimal of black and white color,EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Indian Toilet Paper
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn';t have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it';s rough and it';s tough and it don';t take no crap off an Indian."
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"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn';t have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it';s rough and it';s tough and it don';t take no crap off an Indian."
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European Union Decision on Official Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty';s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Mr Hunt
Mr Hunt had a bookshop near a hospital. But he never went to see a doctor shen he was ill. He usually just took some medicine.One day, when Mr Hunt carried a box of books inhis hands,the box fell down and hurt one of his teet.
"Go to see a docot,"said Mrs Hunt.
"No,"hesaid."I';ll wait until a doctor comes here next time. Then I';ll ask him about my foot.This way Ill pay nothing to him."A few days later, a doctor came into the shop and bought some books.
When Mr Hunt got the books ready, he asked the doctor about his foot.The doctor answered him at once.
"Here are your books,sir,"said Mr Hunt."You must pay two pounds for them."
"I';ll pay nothing for them."
"Oh,what?"
"I told you about your foot.I want two pounds for that.Bye."
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"Go to see a docot,"said Mrs Hunt.
"No,"hesaid."I';ll wait until a doctor comes here next time. Then I';ll ask him about my foot.This way Ill pay nothing to him."A few days later, a doctor came into the shop and bought some books.
When Mr Hunt got the books ready, he asked the doctor about his foot.The doctor answered him at once.
"Here are your books,sir,"said Mr Hunt."You must pay two pounds for them."
"I';ll pay nothing for them."
"Oh,what?"
"I told you about your foot.I want two pounds for that.Bye."
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Sunday, July 25, 2010
Ducks in Heaven-funny jokes
Three friends die in a car crash and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them that they can stay in heaven as long as they don't step on a duck. If they do, says St. Peter, then the duck will quack loudly and will make a lot of noise. So the men agree, thinking, How hard could it be to avoid a duck? As soon as St. Peter lets them in, they see ducks everywhere. The first man, Jim, immediately steps on a duck. The duck makes a lot of noise, and as punishment, God comes and chains him to an annoying idiot who never stops talking. The second guy, Steve, steps on a duck a little bit later, and his punishment are being chained to an ugly old woman. The third guy, Bob, is very careful and manages not step on a duck. Finally God comes up to him and chains a beautiful woman to him. Wow, says Bob, what did I do to deserve this? Says God, You didn't do anything, and she stepped on a duck.
That wife of mine is a liar -funny jokes
That wife of mine is a liar, said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. How do you know? the friend asked. She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley. So? the friend replied. So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Bargain-funny jokes
Always on the lookout for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree T-Bone* $4.25. I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the * was with meat, $14.95
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Bad Party-funny jokes
After the annual office christmas party blowout, john woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. after a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. louise, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. was it as bad as i think? even worse, she assured him in her most scornful one. you made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face. he's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him! you did. all over his suit, louise informed him. and he fired you. well, f*** him, said john. i did. you're back at work on monday.
Saving Money-funny jokes
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife What's up with all the notes?, to his wife which replies, Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Too Much Coffee-funny jokes
You know you've had too much coffee when... You can type sixty words a minute with your feet Instant coffee takes too long You chew on other people's fingernails You answer the door, before people knock You sleep with your eyes open You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there You help your dog chase its tail You lick your coffeepot clean You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee You're so wired you pick up FM radio You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Halloween Costume-funny jokes
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear. The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party. By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. In one neat pile is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife, What the hell are these for? The wife yells back, You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudge sickle.
False Teeth-funny jokes
In a hurry to get a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrived and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth. He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him. The man said, No problem, reached into his pocket and pulled out a of false teeth. Try these, he said. Too loose, the speaker said. The man pulled out another pair. Too tight, the speaker told him. I have one more pair. The speaker tried them and they fitted perfectly. With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. When the dinner was over, he went to thank the man who'd helped him. Where's your office? he inquired. I'm looking for a good dentist. The man replied: I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
First Time -funny jokes
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tell you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
The golden toilet-funny jokes
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one, said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!'' So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, 憫this is a big house,, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he approached the back door, he was surprised to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use his or her bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party. A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the doorbell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me mama, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?! ...HERS THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''
Technical Support-funny jokes
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? The man below says: Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. You must work in Technical Support, says the balloonist. I do, replies the man. How did you know? Well says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless. The man below says: You must be in management. I am, replies the balloonist, but how did you know? Well, says the man, you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Unemployed Biologist-funy jokes
An unemployed biologist was starving and could not find a job. After weeks of searching, he finally gets an interview at a local zoo. The zookeeper tells him that the only job available is to dress up in a gorilla's suit and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. On his first day on the job, the poor biologist puts on the outfit and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. After a while, he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion rushes toward him, roaring and snarling. The poor biologist is terrified and starts screaming, Help, Help....someone help me!!!! The lion races over to him, knocks him to the ground, and quietly whispers Hey it's me Sam, from your mammal class, shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Road Trip-funny jokes
One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. The first guy rolls down the window and says, How can I help you? I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat? With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, What can I do for you? I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink? Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have? Driver's license and registration, please.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Ride em Cowboy! -funny jokes
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. What's going on? Ed asked one of the crowd. We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine, he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can. I can do that! Ed said confidently. No you can't, said Ted. I sure as hell can! said Ed. You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster, said Ted. Watch this, said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? Ted asked. Remember three months ago, Ed said... When my wife had whooping cough...?
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Isakoff and Ice Cream-funny jokes
What do Isakoff and Ice Cream have in common? Both get scooped regularly
Church Bell Blues-funny jokes
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers. Oh, yeah? her grandson replied, so why is their dad carrying that rifle?
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Stopover-funny jokes
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," the cheery salesperson replied. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake -- $99," she said. "But there is a stopover." "Where?" "In Denver," she said.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Thirteen!-funny jokes
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen!"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Very stupid robbers-funny jokes
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
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The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
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Father and son-funny jokes
Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Friday, July 23, 2010
MARRIAGE-funny jokes
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change! And she does.
SUCCESS-funny jokes
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
BATHROOMS-funny jokes
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
EATING OUT-funny jokes
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
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When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
FUTURE-funny jokes
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
One Side of the Case-funny jokes
A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.
"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.
"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.
"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."
"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.
"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.
"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."
Treat-funny jokes
As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.
One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.
Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. What did you treat him? asked one of the men.
An ice-cream cone. Why?
Because, answered the officer, that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.
Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. What did you treat him? asked one of the men.
An ice-cream cone. Why?
Because, answered the officer, that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Whose Son Is the Greatest-funny jokes
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. My son is a monsignor, said the first proud woman. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor.'
The second mother went on, My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency.'
My son is a cardinal. continued the next one. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence.'
The fourth mother thought for a moment. My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, she said, When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God.'
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The second mother went on, My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency.'
My son is a cardinal. continued the next one. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence.'
The fourth mother thought for a moment. My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, she said, When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God.'
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
A Nail Or A Fly?-funny jokes
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor.
When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength.
On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength.
On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
Contented Married Life-funny jokes
A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life, "My wife makes all the small decisions," he explained, "and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."”
"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"
"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."
His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"
"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"
"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."
His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"
"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The New Teacher-funny jokes
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
whats puberty-funny jokes
One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, Mommy, what's puberty? My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it.
A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. Puberty means, announced Peggy, the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children.
What do you think of that? my wife asked.
I'm not sure, Peggy relied. I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear..
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A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. Puberty means, announced Peggy, the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children.
What do you think of that? my wife asked.
I'm not sure, Peggy relied. I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear..
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Friend for Dinner-funny jokes
Honey, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.
What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!
I know all that.
Then why did you invite a friend for supper?
Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.
What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!
I know all that.
Then why did you invite a friend for supper?
Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Religious Tits-funny jokes
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy´s, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. ´I´d like to buy a bra for my wife´
´What type of bra?´ asked the clerk.
´Type?´ inquires the man ´There is more than one type?´
´Look Around,´ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
´Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,´ replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied ´The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?´
Still confused the man asked ´What is the difference between them?´
The lady responded ´It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
´What type of bra?´ asked the clerk.
´Type?´ inquires the man ´There is more than one type?´
´Look Around,´ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
´Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,´ replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied ´The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?´
Still confused the man asked ´What is the difference between them?´
The lady responded ´It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Cheating Wife-funny jokes
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don´t want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can´t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn´t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn´t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don´t want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can´t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn´t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn´t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Coincidence-funny jokes
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I´m celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I´m also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I´m pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I´m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they´re finally fertile." "That´s great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
In A Lift -funny jokes
An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: ´Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.´
Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says
snootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.´ A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: ´broccoli, 25p a pound.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says
snootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.´ A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: ´broccoli, 25p a pound.
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Cut-Backs -funny jokes
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they´d have to drastically alter their life-style.
"If you´ll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
"If you´ll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Different Father-funny jokes
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
Married For The Money-funny jokes
David´s grandmother left him ten million dollars, and the next week jency agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, David noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men´s names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
´Jency,´ he said, ´the only reason you married me was because my grandmother left me ten million dollars when he died´
´Don´t be ridiculous,´ she replied, ´I donםt care where your money came from!´
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
After three months of married life, David noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men´s names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
´Jency,´ he said, ´the only reason you married me was because my grandmother left me ten million dollars when he died´
´Don´t be ridiculous,´ she replied, ´I donםt care where your money came from!´
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
60 Minutes Present-funny jokes
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don´t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I´m stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don´t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She´ll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to to his friend´s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I´ll be back in an hour!!"
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don´t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She´ll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to to his friend´s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I´ll be back in an hour!!"
Good News-funny jokes
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
Says He: "I´m sorry honey but I´m up to my neck in work today"
Says She: "But I´ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I´ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
Says He: "I´m sorry honey but I´m up to my neck in work today"
Says She: "But I´ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I´ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
Keeping Pure-funny jokes
This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I´m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don´t mind too much," she said. "But, it makes my husband pretty upset."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I´m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don´t mind too much," she said. "But, it makes my husband pretty upset."
More funny jokes ,you can visit http://funnyjokes-jack.blogspot.com/
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