They are stopped by the police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.

Just then Jessica said, I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, Sir your license has expired.

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, Jessica, shut your mouth!
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. Does your husband always talk to you like that?

Jessica replied, only when he's drunk.

A seal visits a local bar

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, What's your pleasure?

The seal replies, Anything but Canadian Club.

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

A very depressed man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.

No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
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Where is this bus going?

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Man, I'm on the wrong bus!

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The wife is not speaking to me

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

What's the matter? the bartender asks.

My wife and I got into a fight, explained the guy and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.

The bartender thought about this for a while. But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you? asked the bartender.

Yeah, except today is the last night.

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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A very depressed man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.

No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
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Where is this bus going?

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Man, I'm on the wrong bus!
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something Really Cheap

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
How about some perfume？he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
That’s a bit much,said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
That’s still quite a bit,Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
What I mean,said Tim, is I’d like to see something really cheap.
The clerk handed him a mirror.

What soldiers?

Wife: Dear! Take a look at those soldiers gawking at the lovely young girl passing by.

Husband: Soldiers? What soldiers?

Six or Twelve?

A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she‘d like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she‘d like to have it cut into: six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six please, said the blonde. I don‘t think I could ever eat twelve.

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My Boss and I

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

Which country he should be

A Yuan-year-old uncle and watching TV, TV is broadcast soccer, uncle to inspire A Yuan, on to the E Yuan said: "TV is a Chinese team black hair, red or blond hair and a foreign team," uncle did not understand the fear of Eyuan, added: "The Chinese black hair", A Yuan said: "That my grandfather was white hair, is that country's team ah?"

Good Habit

During the World Cup, a team member Tim was a child, all his teammates were invited to participate in baptism, came to the church. Suddenly the child slipped from his mother, the goalkeeper saved decisively, in a place a few centimeters from the ground and caught the child. Applaud and talk, but he used to run forward a few steps, then skillfully big feet out.
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We have made a good achievement

A swim team in international competition back at the airport, the coach said in an interview: "Yes, though our team did not get a medal. But it should be noted that, in the race, our team and no one was drowned. "

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Goalkeeper habit

Add a team member of a child, all his teammates were invited to participate in baptism, came to the church. Suddenly the child slipped from his mother, the goalkeeper saved decisively, in a place a few centimeters from the ground and caught the child. Applaud and talk, goalkeeper used to shoot two under, then skillfully Feet out

Classified ads

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine
for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for
Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for
sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who
lives with him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he
has received several annoying telephone calls because
of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday.
The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale - R.D. Jones
has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine
for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had
the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with
Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but
she quit!

A Doctor's Wise Investment

There was an art exposition, and the artist who painted

the pictures for the exposition asked the gallery owner

whether anyone had been interested in his paintings.

So the owner said, "I have good news and bad news for you.

The good news is that there was a gentleman interested

in your paintings and he asked me whether your artwork

would increase in value after your death, just like that of

many other artists. So I said, yes, of course, it would.

According to your potential, your paintings will, of course,

increase in value after your death. So he bought fifteen of

them altogether. That's the good news." Then the artist asked,

"What about the bad news?" And the gallery owner replied, "

The guy who bought the paintings is your doctor."

faster than you

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance,

running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of Nikes from his bag and starts to

put them on. The other guy with a surprised lookand exclaims, Do you think you will run faster

than the tiger with those? His friend replies: I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than

you
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Its part of the game

Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See,

he doesn't make a sound. Mary: Of course he doesn't. Mom, it's part of the game

we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and I'm you.

Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue. The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!" The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!" The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
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